Darwin Awards: Unnatural Selection by Northcutt Wendy

Author:Northcutt, Wendy [Northcutt, Wendy]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: gnv64
ISBN: 9780140124644
Amazon: 0140124640
Publisher: Penguin Books
Published: 2001-01-15T06:00:00+00:00

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EXPLOSIONS: OUT WITH A BANG!

137

URBAN LEGEND: FIFTEEN MINUTES OF FLAME

Written as an April Fools’ Day joke

1 APRIL 2001, NEW YORK

A literary agent found himself dazed and patting out flames shortly after arriving at a two-alarm house fire equipped with a sandwich, a bullhorn, whiskey, and a lawnchair. He climbed to the roof of a nearby house, perched on his lawnchair, and proceeded to lecture the startled emergency crew while enjoying his drink.

Three firemen had just finished clearing the house, locating the residents’ young golden retriever in the process, when they heard the agent’s imperious command. “Drop the dog and open the hydrant this instant!”

They turned in surprise and dropped the yelping puppy,

which fell through the burning timbers and burst into flames.

Onlookers mobbed the base of the heckler’s house and threw cans and shrubbery at the obstreperous critic, who batted the projectiles aside with his bullhorn while continuing to drink whiskey and issue commands.

“The north side is engaged!”

“Position the hose along the azalea bushes!”

“Stop picking your nose!”

Sorely provoked, the senior fireman, currently on administrative leave, picked up the dead but still burning dog and flung it onto the roof. The flaming animal landed in the loudmouth’s lap, igniting his spilled whiskey and severely burning his crotch.

Dutton/Plume

■

160/Q-25A15959-071

CGI Contact: Joe Brown

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THE DARWIN AWARDS II

He heaved the dog off, but neglected to brace his feet on the slanted roof. Man and lawnchair toppled and fell from the house, miraculously avoiding onlookers, who watched aghast while the prostrate man suffered further injuries from falling embers and his own rooftop accoutrements.

The house fire was eventually subdued, and paramedics

transported the injured man and his bullhorn to the hospital. Although he is recovering from his injuries, the prognosis is that he will never again be able to procreate with quite the same gusto.

j ANOTHER ENCOUNTER WITH FIRE: Brush with Stupidity, page 41

ANOTHER IGNOMINIOUS FALL: Ur-inate-iot, page 94

j

Half of the people you know

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